White Men Can’t Jump (2023) is a pointless remake

Two ballers, opposites who are seemingly miles apart, find they might have more in common than they imagined possible.

Remember how earlier this month I talked about Cube (2021) being a very pointless remake that is barely different from the original? Well here’s another remake that follows from some of the exact same problems (only worse) White Men Can’t Jump is a remake of the 1992 film of the same name. Even if I’m not that huge on the original I still think it’s a solid movie that had a lot of great chemistry that was genuinely funny, Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson had fantastic chemistry that really felt natural so it would be very hard to try and capture that sort of chemistry again.

White Men Can’t Jump (2023) suffers from a lot of issues and a lot of them have to do with the script and the very lacking chemistry between Jack Harlow and Sinqua Walls, Harlow and Walls are definitely at least trying to make the bond between the two work. But unfortunately it doesn’t quite work outside of a few moments that are admittedly some of the best parts about the movie.

Their chemistry just doesn’t capture the same sort of magic that Snipes and Harrelson had in the original, as I said earlier the chemistry in the original felt natural while with this one is a lot more manufactured and really does not come together at all. As far as writing goes while it’s fine to try and not be an exact copy of the original, the changes in the script they went with are very questionable.

Having pop culture references such as Tiktok really doesn’t fit here at all and once again comes off as wanting someone who’s watching to point their finger and say “they said Tiktok” the script also wraps up like a Disney channel original movie, such as talking about very half baked morals that if you took them out wouldn’t change a thing.

Lastly there’s the trash talk which the original did have, but at least the original’s trash talk was executed in a somewhat raw way so the viewer could feel the impact. But here while the lines may seem harsh the viewer doesn’t feel anything due to it being executed so poorly, the power, confidence and intimidation is just not there at all to make these lines work at all.

Overall White Men Can’t Jump (2023) is yet another example of a remake that did not need to be made, the main question when the credits rolled in my head was “why was this made?” I know it’s a cliched question to ask with a lot of bad remakes, but I think it fits appropriately here considering that this is absolutely a remake that nobody asked for.

White Men Can’t Jump is available on Hulu.

2/10 F

Robots is executed in the most boring way possible.

A womanizer and a gold digger team up to pursue two robot versions of themselves.

I really don’t have much to say here, Robots had a lot of potential to be interesting but sadly it doesn’t amount to much.

Shailene Woodley is definitely trying here and the movie itself at least looks decently made, there’s a few shots here that are nice to look at. But that’s where the positives end.

Somehow the movie makes the concept of Robots taking over incredibly dull, with a very tacked on political message that really does not come together at all. The movie quickly turns into a mess, the road to get to the end of the movie is a rough one. I absolutely hate using this word in my reviews but Robots is about as boring as watching paint dry, there is very little going on and none of the characters are given proper development.

Robots is available on all VOD platforms

3/10 D-

Johnny & Clyde is a terrible Natural Born Killers clone.

Serial killers Johnny and Clyde are madly in love and on an endless crime spree. They set their sights on robbing crime boss Alana’s casino, which is under the guard of her demonic warrior.

Johnny & Clyde is what happens when you take everything that made Natural Born Killers so disturbing, looney and interesting then proceeded to replace it with the most dull elements possible.

Outside of Megan Fox (who needs to fire her agent immediately) there is absolutely nothing here that many Bonnie and Clyde clones haven’t already done, this goes for a more Natural Born Killers approach where they try to capture the performances of Woody Harrelson and Juliette Lewis.

But the movie almost immediately falls flat on it’s face due to the writing being truly terrible in every single way you could imagine, I’m sure Avan Jogia and Ajani Russell are both fine actors they are just given material that I don’t think any actor could have really made it work. A lot of it reads as early 2000s bad fanfiction that wants to be edgy. One of the lines is literally “We could be the darkest fairy tale of all time”

There’s so many plot holes as well even to the point where they start to throw ideas at a wall and somehow come up with a demon, it makes very little sense but the rest of the movie doesn’t make sense so why bother right?

I’m not exactly sure what the overall goal of Johnny & Clyde was but if it was to make you want to watch Natural Born Killers instead then it accomplishes it’s goal quite well.

Johnny & Clyde is available on all VOD platforms.

Disgrace To Cinema F

Enys Men is a film that questions what’s reality and what isn’t.

Living on an island off the Cornish coast, a wildlife volunteer’s daily observations of a rare flower takes a dark turn into the strange and metaphysical, forcing her to question what is real and what is a nightmare.

Enys Men is one that I’ve been excited for quite awhile now and I definitely think the film sort of follows in the same vein as Skinamarink and The Outwaters which is a very good thing especially if you are into experimental horror films.

I honestly have no idea what exactly happened in Enys Men as the film really keeps it up to the viewer’s interpretation quite a lot, every now and then you will get some narration or dialogue. But mostly the viewer is on their own which quite honestly works in this case.

Mary Woodvine who’s in the leading role does quite a fantastic job, she gives a raw performance that can be quite chilling at times especially when you combine her with the landscape and overall atmosphere. Speaking of which the atmosphere is quite haunting, it’s similar to the atmosphere of Skinamark except rather than having a nightmare like feel to it this one has more island combined with a dream or unknown type feel. There’s a mystery of what’s really real and what isn’t, as the film continues on you start to slowly but surely figure out what is actually real and what isn’t.

The entire film is shot on a 16mm camera and it really does a fantastic job of telling the story, there’s certain shots where the film will have the setting in this case the island to tell the story and sometimes that’s all you really need. You don’t need to film twenty different actions going on at once you can let the atmosphere and setting tell the viewer what they need to know.

There’s also the mystery of what this island used to be? Who use to live here? What did they do? So many questions that are definitely hinted at with just the right amount of visuals and shots but at the same time doesn’t flat out tell the viewer what happened.

Enys Men is definitely not going to be for everyone, with that said if it sounds like your thing and you love experimental horror films then you will more than likely love this one.

Enys Men is available on all VOD platforms.

10/10 A+

Return To Seoul is a chilling film with strong character development.

A 25-year-old French woman returns to South Korea, where she was born, for the very first time. She decides to look for her biological parents, but her journey takes a surprising turn.

Return to Seoul is definitely a very interesting film that I didn’t quite honestly know what to expect going into it, but I really loved what I saw!

The performances are quite strong particularly Park Ji-min who gives such cold performance with a character who is hard to like, yet the film does quite a fantastic job of giving this character a lot of development and making her quite interesting. The three acts sort of represent the different parts of the character such as the first hour or so of her trying and not trying to connect with her biological father, the film leaves the viewer to answer the question whether or not she truly wants to connect with him or not.

Then you have a lot of the second half which really shows how unmoored the main character is in her situation, it reflects that with a lot of directionless direction. Which in most cases wouldn’t usually work but I do think in this case it does work quite well, mainly due to the character herself having many different types of emotions with so much going on as well.

The third act might not be a slam dunk as what came before it is better in comparison but it does wrap up the movie very nicely and really ends the movie on a very chilly note that will definitely leave the viewer stunned.

Return to Seoul is available on all VOD platforms.

8/10 B+

Crater is a coming of age movie but in space.

Caleb Channing is about to be relocated to an idyllic faraway planet following his father’s death. To fulfill his dad’s last wish before leaving, he and his three best friends hijack a rover to explore a mysterious crater.

Crater is yet another Disney+ Original Movie that a had a humongous amount of potential but falls very short when the movie tries to execute it’s themes.

Crater has decent enough act the standout is McKenna Grace who gives a strong performance that has some character moments that help develop her character, Kid Cudi is pretty fun but there is honestly not a whole lot to say about him here.

The main problems here are mostly the writing and world building, the writing leaves a lot more to be desired with character moments that are completely missing. Sure we are given some information about the characters but not enough to the point where the viewer will care about them, the world building is very poorly explained as well as having way too many scenes that spill out exposition for long periods of time.

What’s frustrating is Crater does wrap up pretty nicely, there’s some beautiful and emotional scenes during the final moments of the movie that actually could pull your heartstrings. But due to the very bumpy road to get to that point it really holds Crater back from being a decent movie.

Crater can be summed up as a coming of age movie but in space that has a lot of failed potential, there’s a good movie in here somewhere it’s just not showing up unfortunately.

Crater is available on Disney+

4/10 D+

Fear has nothing to be afraid of except for how bad the movie is.

A weekend vacation turns sinister when a group of friends must confront their worst fears one by one.

Deon Taylor is back again with yet another terrible movie, on paper Fear sounds like a decent idea. While the idea of having a group of characters face their fears has been done quite a lot at this point, there is room to make things interesting…that’s not what happens here.

The performances in this movie are some of the worst so far this year King Bach and T.I. are in this for some reason, Annie IIonzeh is the best out of the bunch but that doesn’t mean much when even her performance falls flat. The writing doesn’t do anyone in the cast any favors, a lot of it is focused on giving surface level character traits or connecting this to COVID-19.

That’s one thing I forgot to mention this is yet another COVID-19 related movie which the movie painfully tries to connect with what’s currently happening to the characters (except when the twist comes and anyone could have seen it coming from a mile away), midway through the movie it suddenly remembers that it’s a horror movie so they start actually getting to the horror elements and well it’s horrible.

The kills are horrendous and the fears are done in such an unimaginative way that really makes you question was sitting through the first half of this movie worth it? That’s one of the biggest issues with Fear for most of the movie it doesn’t focus on the fears, it focuses on terrible character interactions that have no chemistry at all. When the fears do come around during the last bit of the movie it’s so poorly executed.

Fear is available on all VOD platforms.

Disgrace To Cinema F

The Artifice Girl is a solid enough movie about the rise of AI.

Special agents discover a revolutionary computer program that uses a digital child to catch online predators. However, they soon learn that the AI’s inevitable advancement is far more rapid and incalculable than they ever could have imagined, posing unforeseen challenges and unsettling consequences for the future of technology and mankind.

The Artifice Girl takes the concept of AI and how it’s rapidly growing then does something quite interesting with it.

The performances from Tatum Matthews and Lance Hennriksen are quite great, they are the sole reason why the third act stands out so well and put so much power into their performances. The first bit of the movie where there’s nothing but a long but very investing interrogation room scene is quite great, while this sort of thing has been done before it still makes for great attention grabbing and really sets up the movie well.

The second act is where the movie fumbles a bit, it starts to show the movie’s low budget with some not very good acting (outside of Tatum Matthews) and writing that doesn’t quite land all that well. However the movie does start to ask questions about how ethical is AI and asks a lot of questions about Tatum Matthews’s character.

The third act performance wise with some very long scenes with Matthews and Hennriksen are quite great, story wise it becomes a bit more of a mess there’s potential here that goes a bit underutilized. Plus the movie does fall into the whole “the AI is taking over and there’s nothing we can do” area that a lot of these very low budget Sci-Fi movies tend to go down.

With that said I do actually think this was an interesting enough movie, it’s heavily flawed but there’s just the right amount of decent performances, questions of how ethical and a solid first and third (mostly) act that warrants a watch.

The Artifice Girl is available on all VOD platforms.

6/10 C+

The Magic Flute has it’s moments of interesting tunes.

Follows 17-year-old Tim Walker as he travels from London to the Austrian Alps to attend the legendary Mozart boarding school. There, he discovers a centuries-old forgotten passageway into the fantastic world of Mozart’s “The Magic Flute.”

The Magic Flute is a German musical fantasy film that is based on the 1791 opera of the same name, I have to give credit where credit is due this movie is completely not what I expected.

The movie is an opera which I have to say some of the singing voices are quite great, there really isn’t anything here that I’m going to remember for years to come or actively listen to. But it does get the job done and at the very least is a bit different from other fantasy movies, Jack Wolfe is definitely standout when it comes to acting, I can absolutely see his career evolve as it goes on.

What mainly hurts this movie is that it does go on for way too long it’s 124 minutes long and unfortunately the pacing doesn’t really help at all, some scenes overstay their welcome. The opera scenes are by far the most interesting but the rest of the movie falls into the “seen it and done far better” category.

With that said I don’t think The Magic Flute is necessarily bad, it’s competently made, has some decent filming and the writing does have some great moments that do have some emotion to it. A lot of it just falls in very familiar territory that is outclassed by several other movies.

The Magic Flute is available on all VOD platforms.

5/10 C

Beautiful Disaster is just a disaster.

Travis Maddox spends his nights fighting in underground boxing matches, and his days as the ultimate college campus charmer. Intrigued by a freshman’s resistance to his appeal, Travis offers her a simple bet: if he loses his next fight, he must remain sex-free for a month. If he wins, she must live in his apartment for the same amount of time.

It’s worth pointing out that I was originally not going to review Beautiful Disaster due to not knowing it even existed, that is until I saw some of my peers have watched it and said that it’s a gigantic mess…which quite honestly doesn’t even begin to describe it.

Beautiful Disaster is yet another movie based on a story that was posted on Wattpad, which funnily enough Voltage pictures which releases the After movies released this one. Roger Kumble the director of After We Collided is in the director’s chair for this movie. What’s funny about Beautiful Disaster is it almost feels like a parody of the After movies and yet it’s released by the same studio as those movies.

Beautiful Disaster is horrendous yet there’s a lot of unintentionally hilarious moments that truly make you wonder what anyone behind this movie was thinking, heck there’s a After cameo in it that’s truly just there for no other reason than to just say “hey remember that previous movie I directed?” Dylan Sprouse can give the occasional decent moment here and there but due to the script a lot of what he tries to do falls apart quickly.

The chemistry between Dylan Sprouse and Virginia Gardner is truly awful, Gardner really tries her hardest to bring some sort of genuine emotion but it ends up either being unintentionally funny or completely one note. For some reason midway through the movie they try to shift genres for some reason, they throw in this sort of serious crime type of plot that really just has no business being here. You can easily tell that this was written on Wattpad.

Which I’ve said this before in my reviews for the After movies, but that’s one of the main reason’s why adapting Wattpad stories into film just doesn’t work. A lot of the stories are just fanfiction, collection of thoughts for writers just starting out or written for fun.

Overall Beautiful Disaster is a mess and quite the disaster, it’s fun to poke fun at with friends due to how awful it is but that’s really it.

Beautiful Disaster is available on all VOD platforms.

1/10 F