Bullet Train is a trainwreck.

Ladybug is an unlucky assassin who’s determined to do his job peacefully after one too many gigs has gone off the rails. Fate, however, may have other plans as his latest mission puts him on a collision course with lethal adversaries from around the globe all with connected yet conflicting objectives on the world’s fastest train.

Bullet Train is what happens when you take John Wick and add painfully unfunny jokes into it, the only good thing about Bullet Train being finally released is that I don’t have to endure seeing the obnoxious trailer every single time I go see a movie. Okay I’m joking (kind of) Aaron Taylor Johnson and Bryan Tyree Henry are the only ones I can say that at least got a few laughs out of me, and I genuinely liked their characters as well. Everyone else though? Wasted potential…a huge amount of it, I like the idea the movie is going for a bunch of different characters interacting with each other in mostly one location. Bad Times At The El Royale in particular did this very well. Bullet Train however does not do most of these characters any favors, a lot of them are very one note and have very little development outside of their personality. Brad Pitt plays a very typical comedic hero that doesn’t take things seriously except when the plot goes down, It’s almost insulting how the movie completely wasted Zazie Beetz and Karen Fukuhara both of which are very talented actresses (good god Beetz’s performance is not good) but are restricted to complete joke characters. Michael Shannon’s character “The White Death” feels like he’s in the wrong movie and is just an overall one not villain, the jokes as I said before are painfully unfunny. There’s a cameo that is one of the most desperate attempts for a laugh I’ve seen in a movie so far this year, I will say the music is fine enough I really like Sukiyaki and Holding Out For A Hero and the moments the songs were used are in fact some of the better ones. But other than that there just isn’t anything here that is very strong, it’s a dull action movie with a few positives that aren’t enough to save it from being a trainwreck.

Bullet Train is available in theaters.

3/10 D-

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